A Quiet Angelversary

 Investigating our wildflower garden...

Thanks for thinking of us today.  It's just a quiet day, and life goes on...

Right Where I Am - exactly 2 years later

This unusual, raw post is because of a project started at Still Life with Circles.  Unusual because this blog has become more about Emily’s survival than my/our grief for Nadia.  But I felt like I needed to share this side of the story. I rely on an online community of babylost parents, mothers and fathers that I have never met, who blog about their losses and let me know that no matter where I am at exactly two years later, it is okay.

Where I am at two years later is living a bittersweet life.  I am set apart from a lot of babylost parents because I have Nadia’s identical twin sister to remind me of exactly how long it has been.  I don’t strain to imagine what Nadia would look like, or wonder too much about what she would be doing now.   I only ponder which girl would have done it first.

I have learned that time does not heal.  It doesn’t get any easier with time, really, but sometimes you just get tired of being sad, or talking about it, or even being defined by it.  I’ve tried medication and I’ve tried counseling.  Grief is exhausting.  I still cry almost every single day.  Sometimes it’s just a teardrop or two, sometimes it is the lay-on-the-floor-in-the-fetal-position sobs.  Not a day goes by that I am not over the moon thankful for Emily.  There isn’t a day that goes by where I am not thinking about Nadia.  But as Emily becomes less of a preemie and more of a typical two year old, it feels further and further away from Nadia, and at those times it almost seems worse than when our loss was new.  And just when I think I am getting better, I get knocked down again.   It’s every holiday, anniversary, birthday.  And then there are the unexpected triggers.  Those unpredictable things that are the salt to my wounds, my scabs ripped off.

The first 71 days, those days in the NICU with just Emily, were actually the easiest.  I’m sure if I had been a mom of a singleton who had passed, I would be the sort of person to stay in bed.  Eating and showering probably wouldn’t have any importance.  But instead I had Emily.  I had to get out of bed, and shower, and eat.  I had to be to the NICU in time for the neonatologists’ morning rounds.  I had to be clean to keep her safe.  And those days when she was sickest, breast milk was the only mothering thing I could give her.  Besides, those nurses, doctors, patient care coordinators, chaplains, and social workers were the only ones after family left that knew Nadia alive.  And I didn’t have to leave the hospital completely empty handed.  I didn’t have to come home with an empty carseat, or decide when to take down the nursery.  I didn’t have my milk drying up as a reminder or have to discuss with doctors about trying to conceive again.  My life was still filled with caring for a newborn, it was just one and not two. 

Then we came home and time was spent with physical therapists and doctor follow ups and eye appointments and hearing appointments and medication schedules and evaluations.  It was busy, and I was sad, but I survived.

But then time goes by and we fell into a routine and then it really started to hit me what I was missing out on.  All of a sudden I realized how many twins are out there – at the store, in a book, on television.  It seemed like so many other moms got what I had so badly wanted.  And then there’s the small talk.  Innocent people do not realize how painful small talk can be –“Is she your first?” “Is she your only?” “Are you going to try for number 2?”  and simply “How are you today?” All insignificant questions over lunch, or in line to check out at a store, from someone without knowing how much pain they cause me.  The fact that I cause myself more pain by answering yes she is my first, my only, and no number 2.  Silently apologizing to Nadia because it’s easier to not cause the STRANGER to be uncomfortable.  People sharing news of pregnancy, happy birth stories, or difficulties of raising multiple children are all things that make me quietly cringe or shed a tear.  Meanwhile, I don’t want to always be THAT person, the one where I have to be protected from conversations because I have lost a child.  I hate being the one that knows that not all pregnancies and births are joyful.  That although I have come to count on my online community to get me through, I also hate knowing that there is no safe point.  That things can happen at weeks 0-12, 13-26, 27-40, and that even more tragic and unexpected things happen after that, and sometimes there are no answers or explanations. 

Where am I at two years later? I am still confused.  I tend to over think how two identical girls can have such different outcomes.  I still rehash medical decisions, wondering if things could be different.  I stress.  I stress about how to include Nadia in holidays and celebrations.  I stress about today, 2 years later, so that this day is recognized but not dreaded.  Doing something special makes it feel like a celebration.  Ignoring it is impossible.  I worry.  I worry a lot.  I worry the house will burn down and Nadia’s ashes won’t be saved. I worry that everything I read about twin loss suggests the surviving twin grows up lonely, has imaginary friends, and has difficulties in social situations. I worry how to raise Emily as an only child.  I worry that all of those tragic illnesses and accidents I read about happening to toddlers will happen to Emily.  I worry that this was entirely my fault.  I worry that I cannot parent Emily with 100% happiness although I do it with 100% love.

photos from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Waterfall Trail

Today we hiked to a waterfall with Grandpa and Grandma.

The trail was rated easy and handicap accessible (Hey locals, great place to take your kids, stroller friendly).  Emily could easily walk it, but the 1.5 mile hike would have taken forever!  You would have to stop and touch every flower, which are in bloom right now.

The waterfall at the end of the trail -

Aaron took Emily down to touch it.  

Emily wanted to collect the pine cones. 

Grandpa and Grandma leave tomorrow.  Thanks for having so much fun with us these past two weeks!

Picture Perfect Day

 Our day started at 6 A.M. this morning.  Here's Emily in the pantry where she says, "Emi show me."  Which translates to pick me up so I can show you what I want, usually a fruit snack, applesauce, or peaches.

 Followed by her going to the sliding glass door and saying "Outside."  This morning she went to her water table first.

 Which she used to water the plants.  Such a good helper!

Smelling the flowers -

 And finally into the sandbox.  Took a short detour and played with bubbles and sidewalk chalk between watering and sand, however.

After lunch it was off to Craters of the Moon with Grandpa and Grandma - 

Another Walk

What a trooper this girl can be on a walk!  Today we walked into the Howard Preserve in Bellevue.

Walking

We walked along the river with Grandpa and Grandma this morning.  Emily didn't like sticks on the trail, so she picked them up and handed them to Grandpa.  Over and over and over...

while Faryn got a little spunk to her step in the river water.

"I sit down," she would say occasionally.  

We had lunch in their camper.  By that time she was pretty exhausted!

Finally Hot!

Today was finally hot enough to get the splash pool out and play around in the water.  She doesn't look happy at all, does she?

Great Grandma's Departure

Great Grandma left today, but before she did, there was time to go down the slide and play in the sandbox.

2 years in review

Happy Birthday Nadia!

Stained glass butterflies to go next to her tree in the yard, thanks to Grandma and Grandpa.

The balloon for the release.  Emily added her signature this year...

watching the balloon float away...

It's My Birthday!

Thanks to everyone who emailed, sent cards, and birthday wishes to the girls.  No doubt, Nadia was on our minds, and Emily was pretty worn out by the end of the day.  Great Grandma Marjorie and Grandpa and Grandma Harms have been here all week visiting, so she's been beyond spoiled for the week!

She's lovin' her new sandbox.  It's hard to keep her out of it!  And now that there are sand toys, it's even more fun to dig and throw and move around.  

Then there was the dream castle foam kit with 111 pieces.  Fantastic fun!  In the bottom picture, you will witness one of the few bonding moments between Grandpa (who has the same birthday as the girls) and Emily.  She hasn't been quite so sure about him this past week!  In fact, on their third day here, Emily was enthusiastically waving good bye at the end of the day to her grandparents as they were leaving.  After Aaron shut the door, she turned to him and asked, "Who's that guy with grandma?"

I gave cupcake decorating a shot and made oreo cupcakes with monkeys on top for Emily.  Emily loves to climb, that's true, but it was more because out of the 26 zoo animals in her ABC toy, the monkey was the first one she could accurately pick out.  And she would notice them on TV, in books, etc.  She still likes cows and horses as we drive down the road, and dogs are ALWAYS a big hit.  She's also into shouting out, "AIRPLANE!" when they fly over and "Boon!" still when she spies a balloon. 

Her vocabulary includes too many words to count these days.  And during her favorite books she's chiming in, like No More Monkeys and I Love You So.  She's also trying to count to 8 and attempting to sing the ABCs.  Our favorite phrases?  "I'll hold it," conveniently used when we are holding something yummy like ice cream, and "I want coffee," something every two year old needs in their vocabulary! She's talking enough that you can have quite the conversation with her.  

She's wearing 24 month/ 2T clothing, and loves to choose her own size 6 shoes and put them off and take them off.  She pretends with a telephone and has lately come to love her baby doll and blankets.  Inside you're more than likely to read books, color, and build with blocks, but most of the day you're trying to convince her why you just can't be outside ALL day long.  She loves to help water the plants, splash in the water table, use the sidewalk chalk, and go down her slide. 

She is always agreeing to help - load the washer, unload the dishwasher, pick up...  She loves to be around her dad.  Right now she is calling everyone Pat.  She gives the dog hugs and lots of love.  She will tell you thank you when you give her things, sometimes even say welcome at the same time, and bless you when you sneeze.  

She's still happy 99% of the time, but can throw a good fit when she deems necessary!  

Happy Birthday, Emily!